I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
