Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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