Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
