You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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