does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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