I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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