Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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