Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
