There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
