Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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