Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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