man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
