It's Friday. Sex?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
