I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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