I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
