Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
