No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's blow job season.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
