Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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