Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
