i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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