Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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