My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
