Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
