My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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