I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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