the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
