if only i could text you this smell
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
