Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
