Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
