Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
