I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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