Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
