what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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