Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
