I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
