These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
