Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
