He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
