Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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