dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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