She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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