She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
