i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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