Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
