im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
