Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
