my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My feet surprised me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
