My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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