Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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