connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
