are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
